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Tales From a Pet Shrink

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The Most Anxious Patient of All

December 20, 2016 Kathy Meyer
                                                        Augustine, my "most anxious patient of all."

Christmas Cheer: This time of year, I like to listen to Christmas songs 24/7 for about 2 weeks and then forget about them until the following December.  I also take great pleasure in composing humorous parodies to familiar songs I hear.   So, it came as no surprise to me that as I was listening to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the phrase "The most famous reindeer of all" magically morphed into "The most anxious patient of all."  For several months I have been contemplating a blog devoted to my "most anxious patient of all," a Vizsla named Augustine.  Once the muse appeared, I had no choice but to write a song about Augustine.  But, try as I might, the lyric structure of "Rudolph" would not allow me enough latitude to do justice to Augustine's story.

No, not THAT song!  Unfortunately, the only song that seemed to work was "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."   If you have never heard this song, I envy you.  Once you hear it, you can never "unhear" it.   I deeply apologize for bringing this song into your realm of awareness.  However, if you want to fully appreciate this blog and my ode to to Augustine, you will need to become familiar with this piece.  Click here, if you dare.

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Augustine, the most anxious patient of all:  I met Augustine when he an adolescent.  The first thing I noticed when he entered my exam room was that he was scanning the ceiling obsessively.  In fact, 70% of his time during that 3-hour appointment was spent scanning above him for insects.  When not scanning, Augustine was sweet and affectionate, and drop-dead gorgeous.  After our initial meeting, I had the pleasure of seeing Augustine and his family every year for the rest of his life.  With a balance of medication, management, and behavior modification, we did get his scanning under control.  But poor Augustine, his temperament was such that he went on to develop a plethora of other anxiety issues, including separation anxiety and extreme agitation on car trips, which made his annual trips from Virginia to Florida and Florida to Virginia a real challenge.  On one occasion Augustine fell into the canal behind his Florida home and subsequently was fearful of venturing into the backyard at all, even if he was 50 yards from the edge of the canal!

So, please enjoy my parody of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" entitled "Augustine Was A Very Anxious Vizsla."  In order to fully appreciate the tune, please note that Augustine is pronounced "Augustine," with the emphasis on the second syllable.  I have made a very basic recording of it being sung, which is available below the wedding picture.  Do not judge.

Augustine Was A Very Anxious Viszla

(sung to Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer)

 

Augustine was a very anxious Vizsla

Started as a pup stung by a bee

He had a phobia of flying insects

And scanned up above compulsively

 

Life wasn’t easy for Augustine

Knowing insects were in flight

Like puppy dog vampire

He learned to only venture out at night

 

Then he found another option

Was to go down to the beach

Where the breeze along the ocean

Kept those scary bugs just out of reach

 

Augustine was a very anxious Vizsla

Started as a pup stung by a bee

He had a phobia of flying insects

And scanned up above compulsively

 

But that wasn’t all for our friend

So high strung, a toll it took

Augustine went on to develop

Every fear and phobia in the book

 

We thank our lucky stars for Prozac

Gave his family cause to hope

With a little touch of Xanax

Helped our pal Augustine learn to cope

 

Augustine was a very anxious Vizsla

Started as a pup stung by a bee

He had a phobia of flying insects

And scanned up above compulsively

 

Though I met him as a wee thing

Struggling with fear and strife

With his family’s dedication

Augustine lived a long and happy life

 

Because his issues didn’t define him

He was funny, sweet, and smart

Though high maintenance and quirky

Augustine walked away with all our hearts

 

Augustine was a very anxious Vizsla

Started as a pup stung by a bee

He had a phobia of flying insects

And scanned up above compulsively

 

Augustine was a very anxious Vizsla,

He didn’t see the world like you and me

We are thankful that we knew Augustine

He made our world a better place to be

 

 Happy Holidays and fond memories of Augustine.  The above picture is not of Augustine, but of his "bride," Nancy Drew dressed in Holiday finery.

Happy Holidays and fond memories of Augustine.  The above picture is not of Augustine, but of his "bride," Nancy Drew dressed in Holiday finery.

Tags Phobia, dogs, christmas songs, grandma got run over by a reindeer, Augustine
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